AlexLadel's Rages.

2012-01-17T21:31:00.000+11:00

I saw you the other day for the first time in about ten years, maybe eleven or twelve. Probably more than that. I remember when we were younger and you would talk to me, make sure that I ate. You were a friend and you were lovely. Your older sisters always gave me weird looks, but were nice nevertheless. You were a face of my childhood memory and I saw you on Thursday, we were both shopping. I didn't know if it was you. I was unsure. You looked weaker and you looked sad. I checked you once over, and I knew it was you. I thought your head was shaved from fashion, I was expecting to see a rat tail or maybe a mullet or those weird lines that are shaved into your head. I looked closer and saw the hat--saw you had no eyebrows. I hoped to myself you had a specific sense of fashion and you just shaved them off too. I hoped you were just changing your appearance and had no hair on your head and face. I thought differently. I hoped differently. Please, get better.

-AlexLadel.

2012-01-17T02:56:00.002+11:00

Click here, listen and read.

You are breathing, standing upon a surface that isn't straight but juts up randomly. The world had forgotten about this beauty and pushed you sideways. You stand upon the highest rock there is available and you close your eyes. You're still breathing. There is something wrong, you begin to sway and the world becomes sideways. There are others, scattering among the rocks, salvaging what they can of the washed up shore-line. They laugh and chuckle with one another. A couple helps themselves onto the rock behind you and they move on. You are nothing to them--they are nothing to you. You're breathing sways you now and you feel heavy, like your hands are weighing you down. You look down and you're not afraid of heights. Not afraid of falling. You care not for the clothes upon your sunken frame; but for the waters that lick at the rocks surface beneath you. Your hands and legs are grazed from jumping across rock to rock, sliding and catching your feet just barely before the wild jowls of the ancient rocks eat you alive. You are seemingly bare for someone who has come a long way with such an intent. Focus on your breathing, listen to the waves. Focus on the in and the out. The in and the out. The in and the out. The in and the out. You can't feel your lungs, the gentle swaying of the breeze. You can't feel the rocks, the harsh cut of salt against open wounds. Your ribs protest against the movement, they lack coverage from your worn body. Friends seek refuge behind you, in the salvation of the higher rocks, looking down at you from the shadows--cursing at you, telling you to stop playing around. Focus on your breathing.

In and out.

Breathe.

Welcome to my world.

-AlexLadel.

500th post, 05-01-2012 ~ For my children.

2012-01-05T22:31:00.001+11:00

" Mummy had to deal with a lot during her life, she went through the ups and the downs, watched the sun bleed in the horizon and she watched the moon fall, oblivious to the light it gave. She watched the copious amounts of people walk out of her life and submerse themselves with their own fantasies. She watched as her worlds came down around her and settled into dust and ashes. Baby, let me tell you that no matter what, the dust never really settles. There will always be that one little freckle, that one piece that refuses to fall and instead, floats in the wind. That one little stubborn and head strong freckle will be you. You will always refuse to fall and I'll watch as your big and beautiful eyes open everyday. Mummy has big eyes too, and they crinkle when she laughs too hard, maybe same with daddy. I want your eyes to be like mine, so I can measure your happiness with a simple smile--but I don't want the worry lines, leave them to blemish my face. So that mummy and daddy can see what we're doing right.

Life wont be easy baby, and I promise you I won't lie. I'll tell you what suits you and give you the answers you seek. I will treat you right and tell you I love you every time I drop you off, hang up or tuck you in. I'll tell you whenever I can how much I love you, whether you answer or can understand it, will be up to you. I will never be able to explain just how much you mean to me. I will cry with you and teach you to ride a bike and swim. Life will never be easy, but with me as your mummy, you'll take it the hard way with a smile on your face, your eyes wide open and a dimple on your cheek. You will be strong, not because of your parents, but because you will be; simple.

I will cut the edges off your sandwiches and eat them myself. I will wrap your presents and watch your face give awe when you see you had gotten what you asked Santa for. I will place the money under your pillow and be your Easter Bunny. I will buy you clothes that don't match and shoes that are smaller than my hand. I will buy you cute little hats and frilly socks. I will cut your hair and put random clips in it. I will keep you warm when you're cold and give you my jumper when you shake. I will let you sleep with me when you're scared and check in your cupboard for the monsters that maybe even I'm too scared to fight--we'll leave that to daddy while we cry. I'll take you to see the world and all the beautiful heights of the world. I'll put aside my fears and embrace the beauty that is you. I will tie your shoe laces and put bandages around your wounds. I will kiss you better and make you pancakes. I will love your drawings and take them to work and boast about my child to them. I will cherish the things you put in my bag that aren't meant to be there. My make up? Consider it yours, my clothes are the same. I will play dress up and play you music, be in your little shows and support you.

I will paint the stars on your roof so every time you go to sleep you know that I will always be there, that through the stars you can see mummy and daddy. That the big and evil world can comfort you. I will paint the stars just for you baby and I'll paint the moon and the sun. I will plant trees for you to continue when mummy passes, they'll crawl the walls and intertwine with your life. Feel free to cut them down, because I will always be in the seeds, waiting for the right time to spring up again because just like you, your mummy is stubborn and refuses to fall. Although baby, something you have to fall in order to get back up. And when you get back up, look back and realise that you never fell. You're too strong to fall to the floor, you will always float. I'll tell you my stories and paint you my world, but you need to learn it for yourself. You can tell me and daddy everything and I promise we'll listen and support you. I will make money for you, so that you can have a life that is only very recent to me. I will buy you toys and take you to the park and I will make sure you're happy. I will give you what I never really had. Mummy and daddy will support you to be anything you want and give you the money to fuel your dreams. Shoot for the stars because baby, you'll never actually fall and settle among the dust, baby you're floating among the stars, the sun and the moon. Mummy and daddy will always love you, we're so proud of you."

I will give you what I never had, teach you the things I never learnt and love you the amount I will never witness. I promise you this and so much more. Either you're a boy or a girl, nevertheless, I will love you. Regardless, I will always love you...maybe even more than just one, depends how mummy and daddy feel haha.

-AlexLadel.

2011 - future or bust?

2011-12-31T00:25:00.001+11:00

I saw Mimi's and felt inspired. I am also listening to some very dramatic music, so yeah. Excuse me. Haha. Alright, on with it I guess.

At the start of the year, everything was confusing as all hell. And I realised that this is probably going to be my last blog of 2011. If I go through the posts of this year, I will read about so many sad things, happy revelations and odd outbursts of anger. I would learn of the young woman I have become and what people have been there for me among the year. if I read through the posts, I would read of the anguish and the suffering that I, and others had to go through. I would see links to music and quotes that 'fit my mood' at the time. I would read of another year through my own eyes.

I watched as the older year studied and drained themselves to compete with their own, and others', expectations to be the best and reach the highest. I watched as some grasped the top and I watched as others fell to their dismay. I watched as all my marks went up from just a little bit of studying. I realised my real potential and noticed I could make something out of my life. After finding out that my dreams of about eight years were unachievable because of medical dismays, I looked towards other options. Business was always my hated subject. I told them it was worse than maths and English combined. I found the love after I realised I was able to do so much more than complain about how shit everything was. I focused on my studies and all the teachers noticed. I watched as teachers unfolded and like Mimi, have had a conversation with a teacher while being on the phone--they knew too and asked me if the person on the phone agreed with me. They had no clue. I watched as more teachers opened up to me and joked around with me. Late in the year, I became a prefect and tried my hardest to keep my good girl image. And it worked well, I helped in getting our special little gowns for graduation and helped each of the teachers where I can. I became confident in most of my works and saw the signs I was improving. But, it's a little too late and I need to catch up on a lot. I have a hard way to go.

Relationships with both boys and friends were hard to cope with this year. For some reason, boys came from left, right and centre and they all liked to talk to me, ask favours from me and fix everything that maybe once happened. They all offered a shoulder to cry on and some even offered anything else if I wanted or needed it. I lost a lot this year, but my boys built me back up. Brink by brick, I was the new Alexis. I still had the cracks and they offered to fix them, but I didn't try to. I'm far from perfect and need something to reflect upon. I watched as some of my boy's (I refer to them as this for a loose term, I don't own any boys ahaha) grew up a little. I watched as they put down everything bad and settled for pen and paper. I watched as their results reflected what they had done and watched as those who dropped out, became something useful. I watched as they all grew up to be lovely young men and helped them when they needed it.

I would cry tears of joy for any one of my girls. I saw as some fell in love, as some were ripped apart and as some threw their dreams in their parents' faces and showed them that is what they wanted to do. This year, I surrounded myself with some of the strongest girls that I know of--they understood that there was hardly an easy way out and they never tried to seek it out. They found themselves powerful and resenting all forms of people trying to bring them down. We fought back this year and if one of us fell, we all helped her back up and loved and nursed her back to health. I watched as girls blossomed into lovely, wonderful young ladies and smiled all along the way.

Family, this year, was at its worst point. But, that will no longer be on this blog. Yes, there will be the mysterious posts that are probably directed at them, but this isn't a place to put everything wrong with the people I call family. Sure, every now and then I will complain, but I will say this: My family is my family. They have my blood and have given me my life and my genes and my strong will. My family hasn't exactly been through the worst with me because I wont put them through that, but they did provide the best. I've watched some family being hospitalised and it makes me realise what luck I have to still have the majority of them still here. I grow older each and everyday and sometimes they're not there--most of the time, they worry about what Erik is doing. I am the underdog, but every now and then I get the smile. The small pat on the back. I get the small signs of recognition and that's all I really needed. I realised this year that I craved what I couldn't have and that the attention is diverted somewhere permanently. I learnt that without my family, I could cope. But, that is not a decision I am likely to make. Family is something that will always be mine.

Camp, well. That was one of the best times of my life. I jumped that thing and caught that bar. I let myself down a wall, only depending on myself and crushed any form of regret. I tried everything and made memories along the way. I made new friends and took a lot of photos. I tested boundaries and tackled a teacher in my morning haze/rage. I looked at myself and saw I was becoming stronger--I was the Alexis from a lot time ago. I watched as people asked me how I was and showed genuine concern. I did shed some tears, some from fear and anger, some from emotions. I learnt a lot of things from camp and learnt a lot about the people around me. I am naive to the Facebook drama's, so I remain by word saying that we did get closer. I helped girls get their outfits together for the disco, took pictures with people I never assumed I would, I danced with people I never thought I would and had the time of a life that I didn't think I'd still have. To me, we're a small family and I see this as a family because there is the parts of a usual family that I see in each and every person in our grade. They are my family away from my family. And although it took so much time to get there, my naive view has reached a familial standards and refuses to see it any other way.

Me? Well. I grew up. I'm off the constant pills and I don't see my psych any more. I don't need the councellors help and I don't need guidance through my life from a health care professional. I eat (to my own amounts, this is still something that I'm working on) and am smiling a lot more these days. Of course, there are still the breakdowns just like before, but they're not around very often. I screamed all I could to get help this year and realised, when it was offered, after a test--I was strong enough to cope alone. I had people left, right and centre, willing to listen an help me. They didn't judge, they told me to keep talking. I was interesting to them and they called me amazing. I was complimented several times this year and watched as my body decayed into what I wanted. There is still a bit more to go, but I'm watching it. I sung out my heart and helped everyone that I could, hoping it actually helped them. I watched as the old Alexis burned in front of my eyes and witnessed the rebirth of the new me.

This year, I met someone. Yes I did love him, but not as much as I have in the past with other people. I needed him and called out for him on many occasions. I began a relationship with someone I hadn't even seen. He changed me. I realised what he said was what I used to say to all my other friends. The worry and the frown lines I ha developed and showed me just what I had done to the others in my life. I put aside everything and took care of him, never letting him go and always nurturing him. He made me realise what kind of person I was and what I had done because of it. I will thank him, eventually. When we talk again. With him, he brought the moon and the comfort--with his exit, he left the stars.

This year was my recovery year. I have an artwork based on it, I have all these things devoted to me in my recovery. Right now as I look back on the photos, the hospital bands that have built up, all the fractions of my life before, I know what I have done. I've been through a lot, and I've lived. I've been in recovery with few relapses.

This year, I not only witnessed everything around me grow. But I watched as I grew too.

I'm not alright just yet, nine years is hard to erase. But I can confidently say that the people around me will make me better. I can definitely believe myself when I say my friends will always be there to catch me when I fall and I love them so much for that. I love each and every one of them and when the time comes, I will show each of them what the mean to me. I would not be here without them and I value them more than anything.

There isn't much else to say, so here's a photobomb for ya :) and I apologise in advance ahahaha. This is some of my year, in the photos I chose to show. Excuse some of my faces, my teeth and anything else haha.

Here's to a year filled with every emotion, with every action and every thought. Here's to a year of being the student I've always wanted to be. Here's to having strength and love. Here's to a new year filled with the exact same things that I can't escape. I'm waiting for the drama, the missing pieces, the kisses and hugs, the relationships and the shots; I'm waiting for the chance to drive and everything that that certain thing is going to cause. I'm waiting for the year I've lived my whole live to pass and you know what?

Come at me year 2012.

-AlexLadel.

what I've learnt.

2011-12-26T21:07:00.000+11:00

People will always question you about everything.

This year I became a feminist and I quite enjoy the particular feelings I get when I stand up for my gender and when I argue and get everything right and people have a new view. I respect other people when it comes to my views and find myself not being sexist, but a lot of people like to push my buttons and test the boundaries of how far my tolerance for ignorant idiots can go. It makes me so mad. I'm questioned to why I've become a feminist and why I have these views and really, it is no one's business but my own.

People, close or not, like to look at my ears and question me about them. "I like all piercings, just not those holes in your ears." Let it be known that my ear is at 6mm and my other is like 3mm. Yes, they will grow back, I have very stretchy earlobes. No, I don't care when I'm older, I understand it will leave some droop, but then again I know many people who wear heavy earrings who will have the same earlobes as I. Yes, you might not find them pretty at all--you just find them ugly and disgusting. I understand that, but pointing out to me that ears are ugly, that I shouldn't have them and that it ruins what I look like? My hair is mostly down and they get misjudged as big earrings. My earlobes are part of my body, at least respect my choices and be happy I can't even get my finger through the hole--but then again, if that was what I wanted, then so be it.

People will never be happy with the way they look. We all have body issues and everyone is always picking out their faults. But the feeling when you look at yourself and see something you might actually like is astounding. So many people have commented on my varying weight loss, what I do, what I eat, how I exercise etc. They say the way I've done it is stupid, but that is just the way I am. I have never once complained about it, it was actually a secret and something that helped me find out what kind of person I am. Everyone is not okay with their body, but I will make an extra effort so that people realise just how beautiful they are.

A lot of people have their own views of me and how I dress. The thing is, I used to wear black on black on black when I was in the younger years, I had plain hair and a boring life. I'm blonde now and I wear colours and apparently I shine confidence when I dress. I dress for comfortability and I learnt that people can convey what I wear as slutty and whatnot. The thing is, when someone asks me to dress specifically, I will dress as nice as I possibly can. I do not like my body, no matter how much my dressing ways appear. I try and use what I have for my own good and make the best of it. I think, if I wore trackies and a shirt, someone would still think I looked like a slut. Maybe it's the boobs.

A lot of people assume so much about everyone else. They believe everything they hear, even though they verbally say that they don't. They will be gullible till the day what they've told is proved wrong and they have a new view. Everyone will assume a lot about everyone else and in my years, I've heard so much about my past that I didn't even know I apparently did. I don't know why people assume so much about my friends and brother. I don't know why people think so harshly when we present ourselves normally.

I am not spoilt. Yes, for Christmas, I got a car and an iTouch and a new phone. But the thing is, calling me spoilt before you hear the story is like chucking the cake out before you slice it. My car is also my birthday present and something I was going to get, regardless, for when I had my p's. I will not be getting any birthday presents from my parents. I got an iTouch because recently my iPod died and I needed something like it to survive. My parents know how very in tune I am with my music and need it constantly. I got a new phone because my old one dropped out of service, refused to make calls or accept them, buttons had fallen out and it was lagging like hell. I am not to be judged. My brother got the same amount spent on him. Yes, I did get a DSLR last year for Christmas and it is one of my most prized possessions and Erik uses it too. We all do. I don't like my parents buying so much for me for so much money, so I buy them gifts when they don't expect it.

I have changed and there are so many people I could thank, but for the fear someone would be left out, I would thank my family and friends, also random strangers on the train, at bars and restaurants, anywhere and everywhere. I put my friends through hell, constantly making myself depressed and showing it to everyone, consatntly worrying them with my ways and I have learnt to accept that they are now my family. I have learnt that my parents and brother, despite our many fights and whatnot, love me regardless of what I have done. I have learnt so much about myself and the people I love this year. My girls and boys have been with me from day one, helping and talking to me, letting me vent and smiling with me. Laughing, drinking and smoking with me. Puking, dancing and singing with me. I have the most amazing best friends, the girls and guys in my life deserve the very best and all of them will get their future and everything they want. I can't express just how much each person amazes me in my friendship groups, just how much they astound me with their loveliness and accepting ways. I can't even express how much I love each individual for themselves. I can't even begin to express in words how much they mean to me and how much it would kill me to lose them.

I learnt, this year, that I am strong. And even though I'll look back at this during a relapse and think I was an attention seeking little brat and go against every word I have said above, for now. I am a strong girl who is capable of a lot and have been through recovery. I'm not done at all, not at all, but I'm as close as I ever have been and I can't wait for the rest of my life.

-AlexLadel.

Meowy Christmas everyone!

2011-12-24T23:47:00.001+11:00

Christmas is the time to be giving, not to be spreading rumours. This is the time to create love and not destroy it--to spend with your family, not down with your woes. Christmas is the time where you get stuffed with food and fill the stockings up with positive things. It's not a time to forget all connections, not a time to forget everything and start nasty things. Christmas aint a time to be mean and leave a person to be stranded, used and abused. It's not a time to make someone feel like shit and make them feel hated. Christmas aint a time to feel like a dog amongst kings--not a time to feel worthless and low.

So, take it from me. Have a Merry Christmas and eat as much as you can, love as much as your heart obeys and further beyond that extent. Have a wonderful time, wherever you are and whoever you're with. I hope what you get satisfies you and you love everything about the day. I hope you break the bon-bon and get the lame gift and joke. I wish everyone out there, who reads this to have a healthy and happy and safe and wonderful Christmas filled with everything you want and need and so much more. I might photo spam tomorrow :) Maybe haha.

I love you all, regardless and irrevocably.

We wish you a very meowy Christmas. :3

-AlexLadel.

Season's greetings.

2011-12-24T00:46:00.000+11:00

He sung to me tonight and played the guitar better than I have heard in so long. I started crying as he started singing and then he told me, begged me, to start singing. I gave him his wish and sung Rolling in the Deep, it was deep, I know haha. he told me I had a beautiful voice and now I can't stop listening to his little British band on YouTube. Now I have lunch with him next Thursday and I'm pretty excited.
-

You make me so fucking angry and I'm meant to love you. You're meant to be there for me and love me unconditionally, you said there was nothing when there obviously is. I hate that about you. I hate how badly you lie and then you manipulate. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I want to change it, you're not meant to be that way, you're meant to be nice and loving, but you're a manipulative, little, vindictive and eradicating person and I hate that about you.

-AlexLadel.

Driving.

2011-12-20T21:10:00.000+11:00

So, I'm getting used to driving much more now. On my way for driving, I drove past Ayman who stared at me and then my car and then at me, but given he hasn't seen me since my hair was brunette, he probably didn't work it out. I then went past Arlewis and saw Deric and Denis and mum decided to say hello by sticking her top half out of the car and waving a pointing at me--just in case they didn't know it was be, obviously, driving. Then we decide to go past Yavin's street, not knowing he was actually outside with the majority of out friends playing football. I drive past and see Wilson, Debbie, Yavin and Ravin and Patrick. I pull over and go to say hello to everyone including Yavin's mum. Then I offer Debbie a lift and take her home. I ended up driving to Maccas in Villawood for dinner and see even more people around there. Here I thought that I could go incognito till I'm by myself, but no. My luck is horrid, but it was nice to see everyone :)

-AlexLadel.

2011-12-16T23:19:00.000+11:00

You hold your hands up to the sky, the night, the brilliant skyline. The air is thick and swarms around you, your hair lifts from your bared shoulders as your shirt hangs off one. You place your hands up to the stars and cover ten with your fingers. A gentle noise plays in the background, you feel like a child. You imagine that someone, somewhere else, is doing the exact same and you smile. You move your hands around and place your fingers over the stars, you smile at the power you possess, the childish antics you possess and you laugh to yourself. You're immersed within the night, with nothing but a smile. You're a child again and the stars are yours.

-AlexLadel.

2011-12-16T00:42:00.001+11:00

I'm sick of feeling like I'm the reason people are always angry. Like I'm the reason people don't want to talk to me and I'm sick of feeling, always like the bad person. I'm not victimised and I'm okay with that, but actually being the bad person all the time kills me. I don't want to feel like that any more. These six weeks is the time to feel like I can do everything--I am my own person. I've proved to both my parents and my brother that I'm capable of being by myself while travelling. I'm capable and fine with doing everything alone this holidays. I'm fine with that, that's what I initially wanted. If the people want to make me seem like the bad guy, the one who always creates problems and dramas and all these catastrophes then I can disappear for six weeks, so then they'll find someone else to unleash on, they'll find someone else to make them feel like shit.

I can disappear.
I will just disappear.

-AlexLadel.

2011-12-14T21:45:00.001+11:00

I can't check it, please don't make me check it. I don't want to look at your results and see that they're low, I don't want to be the one who has to tell you that, because you said if you got lower marks then you might have to move away. You said you might have to move away and I can't handle that. Of course we can still contact each other and whatnot, but you'll be in a different country, you'll be in a whole different world when you're not meant to be there. I can't check your results for you and then act like everything is okay if you get bad results. I can't be the bearer of bad news when I know it might as well affect both of us.

-AlexLadel.

2011-12-11T20:06:00.000+11:00

I'm not mad any more--I don't think I ever was, today I walked around the house like a ghost. I've said about a paragraph of words and haven't smiled. It's like I don't know what to do any more, just to make you alright. I called someone last night and he was talking me through what I was meant to do. You spoke to me and I just moved my head. Everything you do for and to me, they all scar me.

I don't know what to do any more other than sit in my room and do as I'm told. Come home and do as I'm told. I don't know a world outside of obedience. I don't know any other world than the prison you've forced me into. I'm just a puppet who'll do anything for you. I'm a spineless robot who will take every command and even though I fight against it, I will do as I'm told.

You tell me to do something, and I will.

-AlexLadel.

Crossroads Camp, Morisset

2011-12-10T20:04:00.001+11:00

Even though my camera died, there are plenty of photos all across the internet now. There are going to be some of mine and some from other people, I would like to apologise in advance for ugly teeth and weird poses haha. This is my explanation of what happened over the two and a half days. (long blog ahead)

Wednesday

I wake up at 5:30 and repack everything up. I have a shower and put on the warmest clothes considering the weather was harsh outside. I put on my new shirt, track-pants and K-mart shoes, grab my luggage and everything and head out to the car. I pack everything and head to school, on the way there though I run in a grab a memory card and grab Erik some breakfast. We head to school and pick Shane and Kiean up before going to school and bludging. Some girls were already there and we all just chilled. I said bye to mummy and everything went as usual, Helen was taking photos and Mimi and I were hiding, being the non-morning people we were. we head to the camp after a few wise words and some packing. I sat next to Mimi and I made sure she was alright during the ride as she experienced some motion-sickness. It was a sort of fun bus ride there, but three quarters of the way there, we were all starting to feel sick. We get there and sort everything out, we have our lunch which was a heavy burger that tasted horrible, but was packed with energy and protein and everything we needed. We were put into our groups and told to get ready for our first activities.

We did leap of faith and duel flying fox first up. I don't have a proper photo, but here is the example I do have. I did the leap of faith after having an anxiety attack and was unable to breathe, just the height shocked me and what we had to do shocked me too. We were to climb a basic 10 metre telegraph pole using 'staples' as our steps. We were then to get onto a plate on the top of the pole and jump off, catching a bar while jumping. if you didn't catch it, you were dangling in the air and no harm would come to you. But the shock of jumping off and ending up smack-bang in the middle of the air was horrible, and the only person who could get you up into the air was yourself--you had to trust yourself. I managed it, after nearly hyperventilating and fainting on the pole. I caught the bar and screamed in conformation. The duel flying fox was amazing, I versed Mimi and went way faster because I'm a lot bigger than her. I laid back in my harness in exhaustion from screaming at the end though, and was nearly crying from the rush. We cleaned up and then went to dinner which was their version of spaghetti and washed up more, had an hour to do whatever and then Challenge night.

Apparently, Deric and I are the ones with the best flexibility and core strength in our little 'colgate' group. Oh my god. No, we're not. She put a broom all around her body and flipped it back and I was like yeah, I could probably do that and then I tried and no. No, I could not. Neither could Deric. We then did planking, but we had to be like right opposite each other and I didn't realise I had such a low top on and that I would be giving him such a good show. LOL. Anyway, I gave up after about five minutes and sat there, encouraging Deric through it, but he got out soon after me. I think we were just too tired. We headed to the cabins and did what we wanted with another hour before lights out. I think I got about one and half hours sleep that night, from everyone calling and texting me and me thinking I'm fricking spiderwoman and jumping off the top bunk, being and idiot. After talking with every girl and switching cabins and doing whatever the hell we wanted, we headed to bed and I slept on the floor of our nine-girl, eight-bed cabin. It was so comfortable though.

Thursday

I woke up at 5:30, because I have showers in the morning, not at night otherwise I feel disgusting. So, I had my shower and woke some of the girls up who wanted me to wake them up. I messaged my mum and my brother and dad. I had a lovely shower and got ready for breakfast, I sat there after saying good morning to everyone and sat there. I didn't have breakfast. I'm not a breakfast person. So anyway, the activities were a Crossroads talk and then Sea kayaking and another crossroads session afterwards. We learnt about sex all morning and a lot about protection and communication within a relationship and whatnot, it was more like they were saying "This is what you should do," Rather than the all-the-time "Don't do this till you're married." Sort of thing, which I think we all appreciated.

We were then on the Challenge ropes which were horrible for me to experience, but I helped myself and others through the course and tried my best to stay calm, which I think I did. From a start of 1 metre to 11 metres, I witnessed the hardest people crumble and watched as those who were brave had to be talked through their worst fears, I made sure I finished the whole thing and took everyone else through with me. Finishing it was the best experience and I was satisfied with myself beyond comprehension. I had done it and only I, could manage myself through it.

We then headed to sea kayaking after we all ran around like headless geese trying to figure out what to wear. I opted for my bikini and a lose fitting black top which fit fine. But, I thought my boobs were going to pop out so while the rest of the girls walked around inspecting everyone else's body, I asked them if they thought my boobs would fall out. All of them were really nice to me and said that if that did happen that they would gladly tell me or put them back for me :L all the girls were so lovely to one another and everyone just got along so well. We headed to Macquarie lake and learnt all the do's and don't's of what we were to do. we put on our life jackets and headed into the water. I was paired with Mimi and she sat at the back, she has tiny arms and I have massive arms, so I would be telling her to take a rest and just slowly glide across the water. Being paired with someone smaller than you was weird at first, but it was all about communication and trust that we would get from one point to the other--and we did. We played in the kayak and Yoshi (our guide) told us to race across the back and front of the kayaks, I raced and fell in after not even touching the second one. Belly-flopping into the water, he had to scoop me back into my kayak and we were off again. I then floated in the water and played around while floating from my PFD, it was fun and I managed to pin dive even though the thing was surrounding me. We got out of the water and with a passing bus, we learnt the Morisset wave and headed back to the camp where we got ready for our next session on drugs.

I learnt a lot about the affects of drugs and we learnt a personal experience from Leah, the girl who was teaching us. We were all about to fall asleep and we were pretty much dying from exhaustion considering nearly all of us pulled all-nighters. We pulled through though and learnt about everything there was. We then headed to the hall and ate some dinner which was a roast dinner, I didn't eat that because it looked really weird. We headed back to our cabins and started getting ready for our Disco, which was 80's/retro themed and everyone said that I looked exactly the way that I wanted to. Everyone was dancing with everyone after a very awkward start. I spent most of my time outside though, because it got really hot--really quick. I balanced my time with everyone, but spent it with a selected few for the majority of the time. There were so many camera flashes and whatnot, it was mostly scary, but it was all good. I started out looking quite alright, like a pin-up chick and ended up looking like a druggie with waste and melted make-up and hair that was pinned-up that became a high pony-tail. But it was really fun and such a good memory to dance with all the teachers and partially learn how to 'gabba' in four inch and expensive heels. We headed back to our cabins after cheering our throats dry and got ready for sleep. There were a lot of little moments in between, too many to list though. We all got ready and did whatever we wanted. I had very-late night noodles with Nikki, Gina, Sherifaye (She always tells me to spell it like this), Denis, Deric and Yavin. I finished my noodles though and Deric got me some of his from his cabin. I made Yavin eat the left overs from my first batch of noodles and Nikki was trying to teach me 'the step', which ended badly. We all tried learning and then gave up, to just watch them dance along with their own music haha. That night we went to sleep was easy, everyone stopped talking and we all conked out.

Friday

Our last day at camp. It was really sad for all of us, but we pulled through the day. The teachers ran down the halls waking us at six, by singing and smashing the doors and walls. I got out of bed and pushed Baker out of our dorm and told her it was morning. I got ready though, with the help of my aviators, I was ready to see everyone else. With the first activity being breakfast, I had a slice of dry toast and we all went to the cabins and chilled there for a few minutes before heading to Mud World, a boot-camp-esque activity that makes us go through an obsticle that actually smelt horrible and was so dirty. But, on the other hand, was so fun. I was one of the first girls to try everything because I was phsyched to try everything. It smelt horrible, but was worth it. Photos were taken and I didn't even look at myself in the mirror before jumping into the shower. For about half an hour, I was brunette again. I also got called Bambi because for two minutes, I couldn't get my footing and fell over multiple times. So, we headed back and got ready for the next activity. We had lunch which I didn't eat because I didn't eat that sort of food and then I went and checked on the other girls doing leap of faith, I helped some of them through it, even though it wasn't my group and then headed up to lunch where everyone else was.

Yoshi took us to abseiling where I was really challenged with my fear of heights. I actually stood at the edge and refused to move, I couldn't do it. I was so scared. The thought of supporting my own weight terrified the crap out of me, Tim, the other instructor helped me though, he talked me through it and made sure I was alright. He encouraged me to get through it and feel trust within myself. He talked me through it and never lost eye-contact, I put my life in both his hands and mine and I was alright. The fear of falling hit my stomach and I felt like crying and vomiting, but I breathed through it, I was going to be okay. Support from the ground, from new and old friends, hit home and I made it through the worst. I was on the floor and shaking from the fear.

Then was the big goodbye, the sad endings to the best times of our lives. We said goodbye to our instructors and piled all our things back onto our buses, Denis had a lovely ride on my wheeling luggage case, he placed his stuff onto mine and then straddled my suitcase for the big exit. Everyone was sad to leave and everyone wanted to go back. We all had so much fun, it was ridiculous. we all talked and shared our food on the bus, listened to music and took more photos, most of us slept and some of us remembered back to what happened at out lovely camp. We got back to school and everyone was helping everyone else grab their gear and luggage, people helped regardless of how they were before the camp and many people were helping those who were sleepy. People said goodbye and then there was the final photos and goodbyes, there were the final words and then there were the phone-calls to parents and caregivers for a lift home.

Erik came to get me and took me to maccas, where I passed about six people who were from camp, going to get something to eat. I was texting some people to make sure they got home safely after we said our goodbyes and ended up in Yagoona looking for kaleidoscope glasses for Erik, who's going bass control tonight, an event I was planning to go to, but was too exhausted to consider. I'm at home now, planning for a drive with mum in my new car. I'm relaxed and it feels good to be home, but sad to have left such a wonderful place.

I spent $240 dollars to create memories that are priceless. I miss the place so much, but I learnt a lot about the teachers, about my peers and my friends, about my sleeping habits and others, but most of all, I learnt a lot about myself. All negativeness were nothing to me as I pushed my own boundaries and came out the other side a stronger person. I have lost my voice and have about thirty-six bruises and a partially fractured rib, but it was all worth it, it was one of the best times of my life and I would love to do it all over again. Now, for the photos :)

on the bus with Mimi, Ali and Mojtaba, Katie, Deric and Denis.

We got to Morisset!

Welcome to Crossroads and our lovely view of the bush!

Lucy's head in the way, but the thing in the red was the leap of faith. Unpacking our cabin and creating our wall of junk food that we didn't finish.

Intruders! Girls from the other cabins. Desiree, Tamara, Amber and Lucy.

So ready for anything life threw at us that day. Including the massive downpour, the view again.

Behind the head shot and photobombed, but not be accident, it was planned :L

Ali: "Take photo!", Some of the people who went to camp. I swear Helen spent most of her time on people's backs (piggy-backs) rather than on her feet.

They put a random fence that we all had to jump. Malcolm helped me over it though, so sweet. Then we were submerged into a field of mud and random plants.

So attractive. Mimi and meeeee :)

Deric and I, the Arab boys who noticed I was taking a photo, such cuties :L

This is such an attractive outfit for me. I'm on the top!

You can see in my face how shit-scared I was. Lauren and I in the morning! I look so chubby compared to her :(

My love Sherifaye and group 2 doing the Morisset wave with Yoshi who is there somewhere.

Didn't want to leave! Smith in the background, totally photo-bombed. Group two at the 10 metre abseiling wall.

Disco with the some of the girls and me looking very out of place haha, Challenge night in the line of girls. So comfy but not at the back where I was being poked. Look at my attractive face, so sexy~

Looking good in my men's shirt, with Lauren, Lucy and Desiree. Groupy with everyone at our final goodbyes.

another shot of our little group and a shot from disco, me in the background trying to look like a pin-up chick and failing terribly. Haha

My baby girl Saryna and me, the only two fifties pin-up chicks. My collarbones stick out more! Proud :) She looked so good in her little outfit!

We really didn't want to leave. So attractive~ Haha, nah, she's still a hottie, no matter what!

We weren't happy to leave, but we had the best times of our lives and they will never be forgotten for as long as we live. Thank you mum and dad, teachers and Crossroads camp guides, you were amazing and thank you for allowing us to have the best time we could ever imagine.

sorry for the long-ass post :)

-AlexLadel.

2011-12-02T22:00:00.001+11:00

It's my fault, I know it is. I know I've done everything to you. I know I've made myself seem like a bitch in front of our friends, I know it and I've heard it over a hundred times this week that I should fix things. I never knew I would snap, but I don't know what to do any more, so I'm not going to try and fix things. It's not my fault and it isn't completely yours, but I'm not going to try and fix it, I'm stubborn and I'm sick of fixing things for everyone else. This one time, you fix it. If I'm important, fix it. If I'm not, then leave it.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-29T21:18:00.001+11:00

"You do anything for popularity, you'd do anything for friends. You let your friends do what they want with you, anything to get friends and popularity."

I'm done with fighting, you won. I don't care anymore. I don't have the time nor the extra effort to put up with your remarks. I'm done with you, you've ruined me. You are no one to me. To make me feel so worthless and disgusting, saying that to me. I'm done.

Today, well, today was an alright day. People were nice to me and were kind when they wanted to be. I got called names again, like always. I went to meet with the executives and they haven't made a choice yet, but they all seemed pretty positive to me. I went to Arlewis and called Donna to see where she was, she was at Arlewis, got confused and then I walked back up. I spent the afternoon with some girls and just relaxed, we talked about what ever we wanted and then I took my bracelet off. I ate rice and some sort of Vietnamese pancake? I drank so much fluids today. I then went to Kmart and printed some photos off and then Woolworths to grab some yoghurt because Donna made me crave it today. Now here I am, working with the girl to finish something due tomorrow.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-28T01:05:00.001+11:00

Need my tax file number, legit need this one first.
Get a good job with reliable income
Go centre link and fill out more forms.
Pack things up, leave some behind, sell some other things
Get into contact with real-estate agents around here
Ask for details, one person apartment, one bathroom etc.
Make sure income is still reliable.
Fill out more forms and documents
Move out
Freedom.

I'm going to have to do this on my own and it's going to have to happen perfectly.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-27T16:27:00.000+11:00

I'm sorry for constantly complaining to you. I'm sorry for making myself seem like the damsel in distress, being realistic though, I am a strong young girl. I do have power and ambitions in my life and I do cry a lot. The thing is, I spent many years keeping my emotions to myself and nowadays, they just come out easier. I'm sorry for unleashing my emotions on you, I mean after a really heavy day or week or month, sometimes I just need that shoulder to cry on, sometimes I just need someone to help me talk it out, sometimes I need someone there, just to be there--even without words. No, I'm not asking you for sympathy or empathy, I understand you have your won problems and sometimes you just can't handle me, it's alright. I'm sorry for unleashing that on you, just sometimes I need someone, at the end of the day--at least one person and I thought that was you. I thought I could unleash myself onto you and the way you reacted, makes me realise I can't anymore. And honestly, I'm not angry with you. I'm just really sorry, yeah? I expected too much of you, you have your own life and I should learn that people are not outlets, I should learn that you were never only there for me to vent to. I'm sorry that I took advantage of you.

I had another nightmare of you. I'm getting used to them though, they get really cute before they get sad. I mean, last night you were helping me with my supposed little brother was too sick to move, because he had developed hypothermia. You sat with me by the fire, rubbing him to make sure he was warm and you stroked my hair away from my face--everything was alright. Then, well then I heard a scream and ran after it, launching myself off the cliff and falling over the many branches and uprooted trees. You screamed though, which let me know that you cared--even in just the slightest, and then I smacked my head into one of the logs and felt my neck crack, I felt the blood pour out of my skull and the last thing I saw was my upturned hand, outreaching for you as you screamed and left her behind. You ran over to me and started crying.

These days, I'm comforted by my horrible nightmares and the thoughts they bring me when I wake up. Sometimes, I may be crying when I wake up, I might have objects shoved into me, might have migraines, scars and whatnot, but there will always be a lingering smile on my face. You were in my dream and that makes me happy. Even though they're uncontrollable nightmares, the fact that you're in them makes me think I have a small, if not minuscule, control over them.

(In a pondering mood, will blog later.)

-AlexLadel.

Colbie Caillat - Mistletoe

2011-11-27T01:09:00.003+11:00

I plan to have met you by the time I'm ready to marry.
I plan to kiss you under the mistletoe, on your birthday and on Christmas.
I plan to be your wallpaper, pulling an ugly ass face, but you're going to be right there, next to me doing the same face.
I plan to tell you my life and and what's happened.
I plan to ask you to marry me if you don't ask me soon enough.
I plan to buy you pointless things for your birthday and our anniversary.
I plan to splurge when you least expect it and cook you burnt toast with any topping you'd like.
I plan to make sure I make my own money being successful.
I plan to try and be home before you, everyday, so you have dinner on the table and two ears pricked to listen about your day.
I plan to live in a huge house with a staircase, with a white kitchen and silver appliances, with a random table that sits five people.
I plan to have kids with you, two boys and one girl, the boys are twins and the girl is born two years later.
I plan to take you to the lake that we will live by and dance with you in the moonlight.
I plan to attack you with nerf guns and have food fights.
I plan to need you all the time and want you twice as much.
I plan to be there for you whenever you need me, times two.
I plan for us to be happy.
I plan to leave you post-it notes around the house and in the lunch I plan to make you everyday before work.
I plan that even though we've both been raised differently, to cooperate and love each other openly.
I plan to make sure our kids are healthy and happy and that you are too.
I plan to have a functional and wonderful marriage.
I plan to remind you, every day, that I love you.
I plan for us to retire at a good age and send all our kids to uni.
I plan to sail the seven seas with you and journey the world.
I plan for us to be wearing matching and tacky Hawaiian shirts and take goofy photos.
I plan to hold your hand, through stormy weather or beautiful shine.
I plan to be a ~~good~~ perfect (as perfect as I can be) wife.
I plan to sleep next to you if you ever--God forbid--end up in hospital.
(I plan to sneak you in better food then they'll serve)
I plan to take you with me to our place.
I plan to try and not be as helpless as I'll be when I'm older.
I plan to spend my older days withered away with you.
I plan to make videos of my old-self, wishing you a great day, week, year, moment, forever.
I plan to love you every second of every day of each year or each life time of each forever with you.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-25T23:17:00.000+11:00

The Best Pessimist - Walking With Happiness

I'm angry not because you haven't tried anything, but because I had the opportunity to do something and I turned it down. I turned everything upside down in a matter of a couple days and I apologise profusely for everything that I've done. These few days and a few dreams have helped me come to terms with what I have to do and what I feel towards you. These couple of days have reminded me of what used to be normal for us, reminded me of the butterflies I used to have all the time. I've spent more time with you over the past couple days and you know what? It reminds me of what we used to have. I miss that and I miss you. You're too cute for words and you've helped me cope with a few things. Thank you so very much and I already know how to repay you :)

-AlexLadel.

I guess I should post something new?

2011-11-24T23:48:00.001+11:00

I went to the blood bank recently to donate and I'm sure everyone that is around me long enough would've already heard this and is getting sick of it, but they've sent my blood away to the lab for further testing and checking.

People don't understand that the first time they told me I was able to donate, I was smiling from ear to ear and nearly crying from the pride and joy of being able to donate. The feeling I got, it was amazing. I could've saved three people's lives and not only that, they would be rare lives to save--which is why I wanted to donate. My blood is rare enough to save someone who really needs it. Not being able to do this for the next six months, possibly, makes me feel useless. Back to square one of not really being able to help someone.

I have checked the sights for Anaemia and what I'm meant to do. Again, people that read this blog probably have the same thing, low iron levels or haemoglobin levels can really screw someone over. The thing is, I searched some symptoms of Anaemia, here are the ones I found:

Pale skin
Fatigue
Weakness
Tiring easily
Breathlessness
Drop in blood pressure when standing from a sitting or lying position
Frequent headaches
racing heart or palpitations
Becoming irritated easily
Concentration difficulties
Cracked or reddened tongue
Loss of appetite
strange food cravings.

So, basically, a pregnant woman. No, but seriously, it's worth the time to go and check if you have it. it can affect you in the long run and for now, you won't be able to donate blood. I have friends and family who have this problem and most of them have gotten rid of it by different ways. The thing is, the thought of meat disgusts me. Chicken is alright, as long as it has no fat attached as well and looking clean and nice. Otherwise, I feel sick and wont eat it. There are treatments though, which I'm thankful for:

Vitamin B12 and Iron injections
Mineral supplements
Altering medications and whatnot
Oxygen therapy
Blood transfusions
Surgery to prevent abnormla bleeding
Surgery to remove spleen (what the hell?)

I'm opting for the injections because I get sick of mineral supplements. Apparently taking too many pills, weird diets, being on a diet... there are so many reasons that I probably have it and I am disappointed for letting myself get this far. But I don't want to eat meat because it disgusts me and makes me feel sick to the stomach, so injections would be the smartest and quickest way possible.

I want to be healthy again and able to donate. I want to be eighteen to donate platelets!

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-23T22:55:00.001+11:00

alexis. says:
:)
...
donnna
you're still here?

Don of Na Bibrafklarovik. says:
yup

alexis. says:
you lovely little sausage crustacian

Don of Na Bibrafklarovik. says:
you always know exactly what to say :')
LOL

alexis. says:
oh dondon you lovley raspberry cheesecake with complimentary orange slice

Don of Na Bibrafklarovik. says:
you know when you buy appliances
and they come in big boxes
and in the end you likke the box more?
You're the box
:'D

alexis. says:
omgggg
arent you the sweetest apple from the top of the tree in Canada during fall

Don of Na Bibrafklarovik. says:
you know when you go out to eat
and you're at a restaurant
and are expecting it to be shitty
but then you get a fucking swan napkin?
you're the napkin

alexis. says:
ngawww arent you just that bauble at the top of the christmas tree when you're unlce is drinking fine wine and talking about new years

Don of Na Bibrafklarovik. says:
you know know when you wake up in the middle of the night
thinking it's morning
but then realise you've got a couple of hours left to sleep?
you're those few hours

alexis. says:
oh dondon, you make my heart melt and my head swoon :')

Don of Na Bibrafklarovik. says:
I tend to have that effect on people

My type of friends only come around once every few thousand years, and I love them all to death. This one right here holds a special place in my heart and I love her very much. She is my bauble and I am her swam :') <3

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-21T20:53:00.000+11:00

I'm stuck with what I am actually meant to do with myself these days. I write something on my hand, nearly everyday as a reminder. They say post-it notes work, but skin does too. I write this little sentence as a reminder just how far I've home and how far I have to keep going. I'm still a young lady and with that regard, I still make stupid choices.

I'm excited for the holidays because everyone chucks the best parties between now and then. These are the final parties that we're allowed to take out of extremes and do everything we want. They are the gap between being serious for school and being half assed. They are the difference between paying attention and taking another shot--a small gap year before life officially starts. Year twelve is going to be hard, going to be fun and happy, but it's also going to ruin a lot about everything. I'm going to party, hopefully with my best friends, till the sun goes up.

I'm ready to make memories I wont remember with the people that I will never forget.

-AlexLadel.

Progress.

2011-11-20T00:02:00.003+11:00

There has definitely been progress in Alexis as a person and as a human. I have recovered from a certain thing, but have gained another in the way. I have met other people and left some behind that did not want to be brought forward. I solved my love-life out, with help from the other person. I've lost weight and learnt to know that its going to be a long and slow process to get to the size I want to be. I've learnt that not all people hate me and lie to me when they compliment me--no matter how hard it is to accept these compliments, I'm learning to. I learnt that some people love their time with me, even if I am silent, to be around me (to them) is wonderful. I learnt that I have a voice that should be heard, that my word is strong and my opinions are worldly. I have made progress is getting myself healthy and keeping my mind in check. I've learnt that some days, sometimes, my hair frames my face and I look half, maybe decent. I've made progress with what I want to pursue life with, and I've progressed finding those I want to be around. I am at an alright stage at life, of course there is still the pain and the lack of trust etc, but I'll make the progress to get there. I'm making the progress to better myself and be alright, even just for a day, week, month or my last year of high school.

It's up to me: to pass, progress and move on. Or, to keep, reverse and fail.

All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem.

Martin Luther King Jr.

-AlexLadel.

Pointless.

2011-11-18T20:39:00.000+11:00

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
I have an open wire closet and a closet. I keep the closet closed.
2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
I do. I take everything I can from the hotel rooms.
3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
My feet have to be covered at all times.
4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
Not a street sign, no.
5: Do you like to use post-it notes?
I do, they're quite lovely.
6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
All the time, I always say that I am going to use them and end up throwing them out.
7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
Bear, less pain.
8: Do you have freckles?
I have small freckled under my eyes and across the tops of my cheeks, wish they were bigger though :(
9: Do you always smile for pictures?
Not always, most of the time though yeah. Unless I'm making that weird fish/duck face that I seem to make all the time.
10: What is your biggest pet peeve?
Cracking knuckles? Hygiene!
11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
I count the steps when I go up stairs, but yes, I count them and If I don't step into an even number then I have to walk more to get to a completely even number.
12: Have you ever peed in the woods?
I have never been in the woods.
13: What about pooped in the woods?
I have never been in the woods.
14: Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?
There is always a reason and always a reason to dance.
15: Do you chew your pens and pencils?
Yeah. One exploded in my mouth though :(
16: How many people have you slept with this week?
Me, myself and I ;)
17: What size is your bed?
Queen single, I think.
18: What is your Song of the week?
Medusa - Chris Brown / Come running - Darren Styles
19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Yeah, if they can pull it off, sure.
20: Do you still watch cartoons?
Nope.
21: Whats your least favorite movie?
I can't think of it right now, but probably that one with Robert Downey Jr?
22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
Under my house.
23: What do you drink with dinner?
Water or coke.
24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Sweet and sour sauce.
25: What is your favorite food?
Noodles/pasta.
26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Mulan 1&2, Peter Pan, Transformers, Tokyo Drift.
27: Last person you kissed/kissed you?
Mimi, on the forehead.
28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
Nope, I was too spastic as a kid.
29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
Tastefully covered and for a good reason, sure.
30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
Yesterday I think.
31: Can you change the oil on a car?
I'm halfway there, but yeah.
32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Nope.
33: Ever ran out of gas?
Nope.
34: Favorite kind of sandwich?
Avocado and lettuce :)
35: Best thing to eat for breakfast?
Air.
36: What is your usual bedtime?
Anywhere between 1am-6am
37: Are you lazy?
Sometimes, depends what I have to do.
38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
I didn't dress up as a kid.
39: What is your Chinese astrological sign?
Piggy.
40: How many languages can you speak?
One and 1/8.
41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
I don't, but I want to have a Famous subscription.
42: Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
What the hell are Lincoln logs? Legos thanks.
43: Are you stubborn?
Apparently, yes I am.
44: Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
Both really annoying.
45: Ever watch soap operas?
Neighbours count?
46: Are you afraid of heights?
To the point where I cry at the mention of heights, yes. Haha.
47: Do you sing in the car?
Yes. Really loudly.
48: Do you sing in the shower?
Yes. Really loudly.
49: Do you dance in the car?
How do you... what is this... like, fist pump? Sure.
50: Ever used a gun?
Depends.
51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
luvos? Haha. Yesterday :) Took some snap shots.
52: Do you think musicals are cheesy?
I don't mind them.
53: Is Christmas stressful?
Ye$$$$$
54: Ever eat a pierogi?
Is that pie? No.
55: Favorite type of fruit pie?
Never had any.
56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Judge, cop, army officer, coroner, doctor, puppy.
57: Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes.
58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
Yes.
59: Take a vitamin daily?
About five?
60: Wear slippers?
Not really, I don't like shoes.
61: Wear a bath robe?
Nope.
62: What do you wear to bed?
Pants/shorts and a shirt.
63: First concert?
never been to one.
64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
Target and Kmart.
65: Nike or Adidas?
Both are good.
66: Cheetos Or Fritos?
:| neither?
67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Salted anything.
68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
Sort of...?
69: Ever take dance lessons?
Yeah, when I was younger.
70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
Something with a lot of power.
71: Can you curl your tongue?
I can.
72: Ever won a spelling bee?
Came like third or something?
73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
When I found out I was able to give blood, I wasn't happy, just relieved.
74: Own any record albums?
Yeah, old ones.
75: Own a record player?
Maybe, I have no idea.
76: Regularly burn incense?
Depends what I'm doing. I try and do it every week, but it hurts my lungs.
77: Ever been in love?
Yep.
78: Who would you like to see in concert?
30 seconds to mars.
79: What was the last concert you saw?
Never seen one.
80: Hot tea or cold tea?
Hot tea!
81: Tea or coffee?
Both have high levels of sugar, therefore causing stress and anxiety. I don't have either.
82: Sugar or snickerdoodles?
:| sugar?
83: Can you swim well?
Yes, I was taught from a young age.
84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
Yep.
85: Are you patient?
Yeah, I am.
86: DJ or band, at a wedding?
Both would be really awesome.
87: Ever won a contest?
Yep.
88: Ever have plastic surgery?
I will when I'm older. I plan to get lipo suction, botox and other procedures.
89: Which are better black or green olives?
Black olivesss!
90: Can you knit or crochet?
used to crochet, but now I can't do any.
91: Best room for a fireplace?
Livingroom.
92: Do you want to get married?
yeah, I hope I do get married.
93: If married, how long have you been married?
forever baby.
94: Who was your HS crush?
My high school crush? LOL, there have been a few.
95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
No. I accept it most of the time.
96: Do you have kids?
Not legitimately, they are my children.
97: Do you want kids?
Two twin boys and a girl two years later.
98: Whats your favorite color?
Black, red.
99: Do you miss anyone right now?
Yeah, really badly.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-16T19:50:00.000+11:00

40. Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
What a way to end it :S Yes, people always say that I have nice eyes because they aren't like anyone else's. Not even my brother or my dad or any of them. I don't know what I think about my eyes, I've always wanted a deep chocolate eyes, but I'm thankful with what I have.
-

I feel like shit.
Just tore my calf muscle I think :(

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-15T21:33:00.001+11:00

39. Are you afraid of falling in love?
Love is a hard thing to describe, but I know what it is. I know what it's like to be in love, no matter the age, I know the pain and the aggravation of being so deep in love. I've known from past experiences and while I have, there are others who are going through maybe a worse time. Love, to me, is an unprepared madness, something which pills can't be taken for. An insanity beyond a doctors mind that seeps into every bone and vein within the body, that lingers on your tongue and is in every breath. To feel love is to feel a slow and creeping epidemic that spreads up your toes and nests in you hair, you're overridden with emotions that seem to come out of your ears. Love is both beautiful and a blessing, as well as a terrible curse and a sentence beyond power. I am afraid to love, giving myself completely to one person just seems too much of a risk to handle and take, too much of an insane decision that I don't want to take that step.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-15T21:30:00.001+11:00

I went to the Art gallery of NSW.

It was a great day, filled with lectures and whatnot. It got a lot more boring after the lunch session, but art theory tends to do that to me. I took some photos of things I wasn't supposed to and legged it through the gallery away from the teacher. Got a lecture of Cubism and how I didn't know what it was and went through the Picasso exhibition again. It was a beautiful exhibition and you could tell how he changed his artworks and blah blah boring art lingo blah. Haha, it was really hot, but that was okay. It was a good break for me to go and see some artworks. Now, getting ready for my street exhibition and then some more :) Getting to my art roots.

Here are some photos :)

Our whole group. Saryna and Taylor--lovely girls!

Our exhibition/study day and the artwork that nearly made me fall off the escalator. Oh god it was so scary! It's a girl covered in thick fox hair, cradling a baby that is a foot and other body parts. To represent out deformed version of normal and not normal.

I call that one, 'A drunken Christmas.' I don't know the real name and next to it is a table that is so heavily detailed and it's all carved from wood. Even the bones of the shell fish on the table--all wood and patience.

There was an installation of reflective mirrors that were all different colours and raged from different sizes that covered the whole wall. It was so beautiful, it is also our subject matter for a writing competition thing.

More mirror photos becase they were fun. They were also different sizes, so we had to crouch a lot of the time. Next to that one, is the blue one and is now one of my favourite photos because it's like I'm moving or a ghost or something, but it's just really pretty. But I don't want to star at it for too long because I already found some faults within the photo :(

My lovely arab girls haha. They were so cute today and they were so into the art. Taylor and I, yay, I don't have a double chin, it's all straight and I am so blonde and I look like I'm in pain haha.

I didn't know my hair had gotten his long. Of course it's nothing compared to some other girls, but I was surprised when I saw this. Time for a haircut? I think so. And another mirror photo with Tamara, who I reunited with yesterday and fixed everything.

Today I felt extremely self conscious, and I wanted to go home and just stay there for the day. I felt bloated and disgusting even though I've lost weight. The way my skirt was sitting made me look frumpy and horrible, but they all made an effort to tell me how pretty I looked and even though I can't come to terms with that, it was lovely of them to try and do so. Thank you :) <3

-AlexLadel.

Just saw an add where the person would meet themselves from years ago, here's a blog written from a 10 year old Alexis.

2011-11-14T20:28:00.000+11:00

Longest title :/

She walked towards me, smiles from ear to ear. She looks to old, I look so old. I have a nose piercing and what the hell is in my ear?! My hair, I'm blonde. I touched the red streaks that floated near my ears. My hair was longer too, wow, past my--I have boobs?! When the hell did that happen? I looked down at my flat chest and up at her again, she was moving closer towards me and I noticed she was completely covered with a style I saw on the teachers. But there was nothing showing of her. She had sleepless nights and I could tell by the bags under her eyes. I touched my own and the memories flashed back to me, I knew exactly why she was tired--it still happens, even years later? Her eyes, they were lighter. Mine were bluer, they were wider. My eyes was clear and flawless, soft and perfect. Hers was ridden with scars and little freckles, I didn't know I'd have them when I was older. What the hell is in my nose? Ouch! I can't even have a ball thrown at me and she has all these piercings.

"Hello." She speaks with no accent.

"Hi." I do. I'm somehow different to her, the English accent is no longer there.

"How are you?" Oh, no, there is it.

"I'm good, you?" I stutter and she smiles.

"I have a lot to tell you."

We go to sit down and she doesn't speak. She looms over me, taller than what I expected, she was elegant in the heels she wore. I looked down at my sports shoes with holes and wondered how I got to that--how I became that. I notice her necklace and her rings, they leave marks on her skin. her hands are etched with faint scars, her wrists covered. She fiddled with her hair and smiled as she told me about everything we'd be going through. She told me not to dwell in the sadness. She used long words and corrected herself with a nervous laugh. I understood some words, but hardly all of them. When she smiled I saw she still had her baby teeth, but her birthmark was gone. She was paler, worn out. She was thicker than I. I remained at half of what she appeared to be and I wanted to know what happened to her. She wrung her knuckles and smiled.

"I have to go now." She smiled, nearly closing her eyes completely. "It was lovely meeting you Alexis."

"You too Lexy." I smiled and she made a face and laughed.

"You're going to hate that name." She looked back at me with a sort of look, there was something there, something she wanted to tell me, but she smiled sadly and closed her eyes. She walked off again and then she was gone.

I was gone.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-14T15:57:00.000+11:00

38. Do you like meeting new people?
Without meeting new people, I'd have the same friends and that would tend to get a little boring if they were the same friends from when I was like 5. Meeting new people is just how I am as a person, and by meeting new people, they're able to learn that.
-

I tried to vlog, but my camera is too sexy.

-AlexLadel.

just needa get this shit out of my system.

2011-11-13T20:32:00.000+11:00

The reason why I've been upset, if it's not already stated is because my new art teacher is the old photography teacher. I don't want to put their names, so that they're never directed back here. Basically, I've had my teacher for about three years or so and she's been replaced.

We're getting new art teachers and by doing that, my normal art teacher has to move down to G8, which really sucks because in the end, it all means I get a new art teacher. Now, I don't know what other people think of their teachers, but having someone for three years just being not in your life. Someone you talk to, confront to, gossip to and have completely let your guard down in front of, even though she's a teacher, she' still someone I consider a close friend. She helped me deal with my nightmares, deal with artist block and has always kept me on track. She's inspired me and loved me as a student, she's cried with me and sympathised with me, she's empathised and been in awe with me. She's absorbed and learnt from me, and I've done the same with her. Losing her, after three years, no excuse can make up for it.

"You never need her, you just sit there and you already know what to do. You already know art."

It doesn't really matter to me. Without my wonderful teacher, I don't care about art. I question my abilities and my inspirations, this change carves too deep, this change is too sudden. When they both stood in front of the class and said those words, "I'll be taking on your class." And my teacher stood there with a sad face, I felt like my hear stopped beating, like I couldn't breathe. I tickled the roof of my tongue so I wouldn't cry. Friends were at the door, so I went there and calmed down a little.

Losing my art teacher is like losing the ability to paint.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-13T18:40:00.000+11:00

37. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
Hm, right now, telling me would just add to the shit. Maybe when everything has calmed down a little more, then maybe they could tell me. But, if they do, they can tell me now, I don't really mind.
-

I am so tired. sdfkgjhalfskjbgfsbh.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-12T19:47:00.000+11:00

36. Do you love anyone that is not related to you?
Yes, of course. There are so many I've come to love :)
-

Off to a party and I know it's gonna end badly :S Hope not though, hope I'm wrong.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-12T18:26:00.000+11:00

We're lead to believe that we make a huge impact on the world, that without us reality has the inability to flourish and continue. We're told that our thoughts are important and grand, that we have purpose and actual intelligence that is consumed by the people around us--that we can make a change. We're told we're huge, we're indescribable and beautiful in our strength, that we're large and mighty and the strongest thing in the world. That our minds are developed and we're capable of a whole world of things, but we're stumped. We're not moving because sometimes, we're told we're too small and insignificant, that we're useless and hold no matter, that life is not for us and that we're worthless. We're told that our shape and being is nothing more than a simplicity that is so easily replaced that we can automatically be found another person and another thing that we love.

If we're so big, why do we feel so small?

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-11T17:59:00.000+11:00

35. If someone could be cuddling you right now, who would it be?
Honestly, the person that I wish I could be cuddling probably wouldn't have to think twice about it and would love to. But I don't know, cuddling with a good mate and just venting would be great, I don't really mind.
-

Today started great
had a great middle
And a horrible afternoon
Followed by worse.

Happy 11/11 guys, hope your wishes come true.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-10T23:16:00.002+11:00

"It's like you're screaming but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it's over and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so you can have the good."
-AlexLadel.

2011-11-10T21:34:00.000+11:00

33. Did you have a dream last night?
Yes, I did. I woke up crying and with a face that resembled this D: but worse and more deformed from my sleep. For the hours or whatever I was sleeping, I was in a car accident, head on and by myself. It just kept replaying it, with different people screaming at me from the side. It stopped replaying when once I was at my own funeral and I saw specific people's reactions and that made me cry and yeah.
-

today was alright day, but then it ended on a really, really horrible and shitty note. But, happy birthday Grandma.
-

I heard you ran into the hospital with her in your arms, screaming for help for her. I heard what happened to her and what is going to happen to her. I heard she can't breathe and she's getting sicker and whatnot. I heard that you carried her in your weak arms and made sure she was looked after. It makes me think.

-AlexLadel.

Dear Widad.

2011-11-10T00:38:00.004+11:00

This is uncalled for, completely. You didn't ask for this, but as soon as we walked out of that classroom, I knew you just needed something to just notice how beautiful you are. How wonderful and lovely you really are. I know you read this every now and then to check up on me and make sure no one is making my life to hard and to listen to me complain, but on a change, I've come to enlighten you.

Her name is Connie Chiu, she's a famous Chinese model that everyone is starting to notice and want. She is complimented on her striking features such as her eyes which seem to shift from pale purple, light pink and sometimes a clear blue grey depending on the light that hits her when she's in a specific environment. Next to her is Diandra Forrest, a girl who is actually of an African American heritage, but is albino. She is stunningly beautiful and was teased for how she looked, now she in high in demand. Shaun Ross, as you can see is a successful model as he is on the front of Vogue, a very rare cover to take from a male model, and he fronted it.

Albino models are now more in demand because of their sheer uniqueness, its not everyday that you walk by one. It is not everyday you come across such a sheer beauty as an albino. Widad, to me, you're rare and you're a beauty. See those three above? They're successful and they're absolutely beautiful, but you know what? You're so much more. You sat with me today and listened to something I haven't been able to verbalise for so long, you brought me up with confidence and you made me feel loved on a day where I wasn't too good. You sat there and said, "I know shit about life, but I can listen everyday, about anything." To me, listening is so hard to find, everyone is willing to talk, but does anyone really listen? You do.

Widad, when I look at you, I don't see the things you tell me you notice about you. I notice a girl with a heart as big as the world, with a mind that is willing to absorb and ears that are ready to listen for anyone willing to speak. You're amazing in every sense of the word. You told me, that you went through the photos of formal and didn't like them, even now. Honey, you looked stunning that night, you looked so beautiful. I'm sorry to nearly make you cry in Dubbo, it just seems for someone who listens, you don't really hear the good things.

You know me, a bit, right? You know that I only lie selectively and most of the time, I don't really bother lying because it wont get me anywhere. I'm too 'nice' (as you put it) to be a bitch and to you, I couldn't be anything but nice. You bring out the best of me, make me laugh and make me feel like my words are worth something. When you sit there and make sure I'm alright and smiling and that I'm talking, you greet me whenever you can and hug me when you can too. You make me realise that in this world, there are the rare people and they will make you feel like the world is worth something.

You tell me honey, if anyone says one thing against you, you come up to me and you tell me. Because you've gotten my respect, which is very hard to earn because of several reasons, but that's not for now. You have my respect as a human being as an individual, you're everything there is to be in a person. You're not fat honey, so what you may have gained/lost weight, you're perfect. You have veins? I do too. You're pale? I am too. You call me beautiful, take a good and hard look in the mirror and notice that your words belong to you. Look into your own beautiful eyes and see that you're unique, you're stunning, you're loved and needed. You're beautiful and a listener, you're hard to find and someday, I promise you, a man is going to look at you and fall so deeply in love with you that he wont see your 'faults' (which no one else sees) and love you irrevocably. Widad, I've seen you grow up from daycare and I've noticed the wonderful young woman you've blossomed into, you're one of a kind honey, once in a lifetime person. You're a once in forever person and I was so delighted, gifted and blessed to actually meet you and call you my friend.

I love you Widad.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-09T17:02:00.000+11:00

32. Do you think you can last in a relationship for three months?
Of course. I don't lose interest that easily. Haha
-

Erik's outside drawing on his car for his art project. It looks cute Haha

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-08T18:12:00.001+11:00

31. Are you a patient person?
I am with certain things, but most of the time people love to test my patients. But, I handle it. I find, having patience is a very important and necessary skill for life, because everyday you're going to have to deal with someone who is probably as thick as two bricks.
-

I don't know what to do any more. We fight constantly and we tell each other different things, I have lies spitting from everywhere, except from you. You're genuine, you're unique, you're there for me and you, apparently, love me. I don't think I can be with you, not right now when things are about to get heavy. I will know you for a long time, I swear by it. But the thing is, you have to be in my life, even if you hate me every single day, you still have to be in my life. I can't let you go and I'm sorry if you're against that. They asked me if I would leave with you, if it came down to it. I think I would. I don't know what to do any more and one day, I promise you I'll have the answers that you need. Maybe you can have some for me too? Until then, we can keep fighting but as long as you're there, I'll fight to push you away, but I'll fight to keep you too.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-07T22:00:00.000+11:00

30. What are you looking forward to in the next month?
Next month meaning December I am assuming. Well, there's Christmas, graduation, parties, there's more parties, new years and parties. There's birthdays and ... parties. :D
-

I feel really sick right now, it's a double of actually being sick and eating too much and then that uneasy feeling deep in my stomach because I know something is going to happen soon. I feel sick and I want to just lay down and forget it, but it's okay... I'm just going to have to face whatever I really deserve.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-06T15:44:00.000+11:00

29. What were you doing an hour ago?
I was on the computer writing the previous blog, talking to people, doing my hair and putting cream on my face, touching my hair and feeling like shit.
-

I don't know what's going to happen from now on. I really don't.

-AlexLadel.

This is not harsh in any way, these are just my thoughts. Reader's discretion is advised.

2011-11-06T15:42:00.000+11:00

So, through having Tumblr and whatnot, these blogs and having complete access to the internet, you tend to stroll upon the same things. You see the girls reblogging photos of gay marriage and it's acceptance, about depression, you see boys do it too. You see all these women being reblogged because they have breast cancer, you see all these people saying 'support' through all different causes but I don't see why.

Breast cancer.
Have you ever just had a survivor sit down and tell you their story? Have you ever looked into the eyes of someone going through this and willingly gave them all the hope, money and matter they needed? I don't think so. Half the girls reblogging these sorts of things would only donate about three dollars in total to that charity, and they think reblogging it will then cause some sort of satisfaction. No, having the photo on your blog doesn't mean you're an avid donater of the cause. You're not going to look all wonderful if you add 'reblog if you have a heart, they deserve a cure', well, I have a heart. I have seen people donate so much money to that foundation and giving their overwhelming support. You've probably never done anything to benefit the association.

Depression.
Posting sad encounters or reblogging things like 'I get so sad when you don't look at me - I'm so depressed' So be it. If you're really depressed then get some help, take it from someone in recovery that you just need to build up the courage to get there, but those girls who are always bubbly and then say that they are depressed, depressed as a word has been overused too much these days, to the point where those who are diagnosed and slowly dying and getting left out, alone. I have across a blog last night called problems of a cutter and throughout that whole blog is photos of people's cuts, the words they've scared themselves with, what I really want to see is if they've actually suffered because believe it or not, there are people out there who cut souly based on attention. They were flashy band aids and make their cuts a target for people's eyes, to make sure they get the "Oh, how are you, why did you do that, how could you risk yourself?" All self harm is a sign of something wrong, but then again, if you're so depressed, if you're really as bad as you say you are, you wouldn't be taking photos and posting them on the internet, you wouldn't have these forums on teaching girls and guys how to salt burn themselves, you wouldn't be giving them sarcasm and everything else. If your depressing was as half as bad as you make it out to be, then you's be sitting in your bed, cutting yourself off from the world--pun not intended. Depression is over used in this day and age and not everyone is depressed, some are sad and upset, some just don't have another word but no one has the excuse to say that they are depressed, when clearly they're not, when there are many other people out their suffering.

Gay rights:
Have you ever actually done something? I doubt it. I know a handful of people who will fight back in an argument, but have you ever stood up against a group of people, you knew, willing to actually put everything out on the line, have you ever been in a fight (fist and foot) to try and change someone's view? have you ever actually willingly put everything on the line to get some change within this close-minded world? I doubt it. You've just sat back and pressed yes on some poles, you've just written how people should be open-minded and that love is love. Yes, yes, that's all true, but what the hell have you done to back your statements, what the hell have you done to even justify your views? Probably nothing, you've just sat back and reblogged their photos, said a few words and then try to play it off as you're some big hero that supports gay marriage. But when it comes down to it, there's a loophole, there's a 'but' and a 'well...', there are so many loopholes and so many cowards who do this sort of stuff but never stick up for a single thing that they're saying.

Body Modifications:
Oh God, this one pisses me right off. There are girls out there, girls and guys who are saying things like "I love body modifications~!" and they get one facial piercing and maybe their body is tattooed or something miniscule, so be it, everyone is entitled to their own view. But, show them a picture of say someone cutting their tongue, suspension, maybe they;ve veen seen a photo of 3D implants of eye tattooing, whatever it may be, they suddenly turn, "Oh my God, that is fucking disgusting." You know what? They may turn away in disgust, but this one affects me personally. For people to straight out tell me that my ears are disgusting, that they're gross and horrible? Fine, say that sort of things, but back up your argument, not just because you've been brought up that way, fight back on your won grounds and you'll get respect from me. But, for those people out there who are so picky on what body modifications are beautiful, everyone has their own version of beauty, we have different eyes, therefore we have different perceptions of it. I support body modifications all the way, as long as the person is not directly in a line of sudden danger and they're doing something to die, then they are beautiful. Whether that means having their ears surgically modified to be pointed, or have their eyes tattooed, yes, they're not 'normal' for society, but they are still beautiful. You are not a supporter if you have your limits.

sighsighsigh.
Just had to get that off my chest, been bugging me all week. If I have offended any of you, then I'm sorry. If I've altered your thoughts, then yay for me, otherwise, I'll be deleting this sooner or later.

-AlexLadel.

deadly sins.

2011-11-05T22:40:00.002+11:00

I don't want to go into depth of my life because I feel as though a lot of people would probably pry too much and then try and find out more than they should. I just want to list the things that have happened very recently and significantly. I will put them in the order of the Deadly sins, because it gives me some sort of background to build from.

Lust

I haven't really felt any lust. Haha, that is completely bullshit and we all know it. Everyday I have to deal with this lust that leaves my imagination stirring and whirring in excitement. I have dealt with lust very first-handedly in the past couple of weeks and hope to deal with it, way more, in the coming weeks :)

Gluttony

I have been eating way too much recently. I haven't been keeping to my diets and the scales are showing. Although I've had people comment on my weight now, saying that I do appear thinner and I 'weigh nothing at all', I have come to the conclusion that I'm going to make another change. I have used gluttony as a horrible way to gain about 1.5 kilos and I feel horrible. I did this to myself as well, and it's been the same way for about three weeks now. Every morning, those scales tell me I'm a failure and I hate it.

Greed

I deal with greed in an odd way, i haven't kept my money to myself, I've given food and anything to anyone else. I'm greedy to myself, in the way that I don't think I need anything and when I actually do, I still give it away. I don't need it, but I'm greedy for other people, so they get it.

Sloth

I have been a little lazy and lacking in using my talents and gifts and whatnot. I've tried, a lot of the time, to utilize everything I can, so that I am capable of other things, but I have no time to do that. I don't have time to work out and find myself squeezing in a few stretches and sets, I don't understand though. I have plenty of time.

Acedia

I have tried to be a little happier, as the meaning of this means to be melancholy and not really care about much. But the thing is, in the past few weeks, I have been pushed down so much that I just don't care anymore. Like, every now and then there will be times where I will disagree, where I will care very heavily, but most of the time these days, I often find myself not caring for the little things, for the results and the future, maybe about the people, but not really much else.

Wrath

I've had my bouts of anger, most of the time though it was because of something that I did and when I was finished raging I fixed it. I really found myself getting angry these few weeks over stupid things, which is a little contradictory to the above, but in a different sense, there was hardly any meaning to my rage. I would do something little and blow it out of the water, I would make a mountain of a mole-hill. My anger hasn't reached it's fullness, but I give it about a week to reach that.

Envy

Haha, I deal with envy every single day. The wanting of something someone else has, to the extent where you start to despise that little thing from them. Yes, I have envied the way someone has spoken to someone else, the ease and the time they spend together. I have envied the girls that have replaced me and that people favour more. I envy the fact that these labels that are put upon me are stupid and make hardly any sense. I envy being compared and I hate nearly every second of envy that I feel.

Pride
I don't deal with pride a lot, but I did deal with it recently. When I could gladly say that I was associated with someone. I've been so damn proud of everyone recently, some are going through exams, some are going through other tough times, some are becoming happy with relationships, some have fixed things with me and others. I am so proud to know these people and have them in my life.

Vainglory
I have no unjustifiably boasted about anything recently. I have heard others, but then again I have chosen to ignore such a thing. it doesn't make sense to me and I don't really care for it. They are small people who need to create their larger than life personalities to impress people and I don't really listen.

Mummy is in QLD, so I've been looking after the boys here at home. I miss you mummy and hope you come back soon. Dad is cleaning the whole house and Erik and Hi have been making sure that we're there for him and making everything good :)

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-05T13:33:00.000+11:00

28. When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
In person: yesterday.
over the net: right now.
-

Going to go have a shower before heading out for coffee with Denis and Deric, and right now I'm really itchy, sadlyf :(

I promise to make another blog post later tonight maybe, a more detailed one because all the recent ones have been so half assed that someone should hit me with a frying pan.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-05T13:30:00.000+11:00

27. How late did you stay up last night and why?
I stayed up till about 1:30 with Erik after watching a movie and then going back to bed to text until I fell asleep. I had been sleeping all day anyways, and then yeah :S
-

Had to rush to Bankstown to grab another puffer last night because mummy is away and she forgot to get me another one before she left, but I did tell her don't worry because I didn't need another one. I didn't want to stress her too much anyway :( But, yeah, I miss her.

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-03T17:06:00.000+11:00

26. Why aren't you in 'love' with your last ex anymore?
Why am I not in love with him? My most recent ex, sort of, if that is what he is. He's still my friend, I think. It killed me to go through what I have in the past week or so. I wasn't in love with him anymore because it was hard for me to fall for him again, just when he had said something that hurt. I found out that it was a lie, later on, but that was after I was left to think. I just felt sad, you know, but it's okay. I guess it's alright, we're working things out still but it's still painful.
-

My neck hurts, and tomorrow I'm going to Cabra High for a peace prize thing to listen to a guy talk about it. I have to wear a blazer and yeah, look all spiffy which means a little make up and covering my ears. I also realised that I need to keep myself a little hidden because of certain things aaaaaand, yeah. It's going to be hard not to limp, but I get to look at all the Asian guys for a while, so nothing is that bad :)

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-02T18:50:00.000+11:00

25. Is there anyone you're really disappointed in?
I guess the typical answer would be myself, I mean I know I can do so much better if I just studied and paid attention. I am above average in all my marks, with one or two exceptions, but if I just tried a little harder to even strive towards one thing, I could achieve it.
-

was in a small car-crash today lol.

-AlexLadel.

my hair washing routine.

2011-11-01T23:19:00.000+11:00

people like to point out that my hair looks lighter, lala, or they joke if I washed it and blah blah, basically, this is my shower/hair routine.

I don't wash my hair for three days because of all the chemicals in my hair and the things I do to abuse my hair. Alright, so basically I have been dying my hair since I was twelve, I've dyed my hair over a hundred times and have been nearly every colour under the sun. Over the years, I've built up a knowledge of hair colouring and dying. So basically, washing your hair everyday strips the hair follicles of the natural oils and nutrients, which causes your hair to be brittle, frizzy and basically, abused. Also, most girls blow-dry/straighten/curl their hair, using no heat protecting products. This then causes the hair to become weak and brittle as well. Constantly dying your hair can also severely damage your hair if you do not use certain products to repair the damage. Thankfully, without being jinxed, I have pretty healthy hair and have never had a split end. So, this is what I do when I wash my hair.

I first make sure all my ear piercings are out because I don't want anything to get bad and then they can get clean while I'm washing my hair. I let the water run through before using Tresemme Colour protecting Shampoo I leave that in for about five minutes and wash it out.
I use the PH toner from hairhouse warehouse, also known as Blue Shampoo in hairdresser salons. I used this once and clean it off after two minutes, I then put it in again and leave it in for three minutes.
I use Tresemme Colour Protecting Conditioner and use that twice, the first time for five minutes and the second time for twenty minutes.
Garnier Fructus Melt-in mask comes next and I apply it to my hairline to make sure that the colour is brighter there too.
We always have the little free conditioners that are in the blonde hair dye packets and we use them until they run out, I use that last but make sure to wash it out because it's thicker in consistency and can be a hassle and make your hair feel really oily if it's not washed out properly.
I get out of the shower and get dressed, leaving my hair up in that weird gypsy-turban thing that we all do. The twist, twist, flip thing. I wait till it's a little dry and then I put in L'OREAL Elvive Re-Nutrition leave in Royal Jelly, I use this as my protection against heat and then blow dry my hair into a neat pile.
Brush and then put wax/mousse/hairspray in it. Most likely I put in any wax in the bathroom, or leave it in a low bun for waves in the morning or a braid for poodle hair.

the reason why my hair may appear lighter is because my shampoos and PH toner all contain bleach and lightening properties, often they leave my hair brighter and weightless. Oh and sorry if any of my spelling is horrible :)

-AlexLadel.

2011-11-01T18:35:00.000+11:00

24. What is wrong with you right now?
meow. It is the calm before the storm, but this question seems sarcastic, something my mother would say to me, even my brother or father when they were referring to my injuries. But, at this very moment, my whole left side is in pain and I feel death crawling through every vein and cavity within my body. I feel sick and Donna and Denis are to blame.
-

I have heart burn at the moment and my legs are tired and stations smell like pee and I can't feel my feet and my burn is still bleeding and sdflbkhadfbhadb.

Mimi: they're going to send you to the nuns now :'(

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-31T23:25:00.001+11:00

23. How have you felt today?

I felt like everyone was either angry at me or hated me. That everyone was angry at me and that I was alone today. I was going to cry in a lot of my lessons for stuff that’s been happening, but I held it straight. The girls made me laugh in English when I was so close to tears. In art though, I went to the library and started to shake as I was looking at the books. In music, I was hypo for some reason, but as soon as I got back home, I was unmoving and quiet. Throughout the whole day, I felt like shit and people all seemed mad at me for some reason that I don’t even know and that just made me want to cry even more. But, I’ve learnt, come to school and be a mediocre student to fit in with the rest of the drones. Don’t show any emotion other than pissed off and nonchalance and then, you won’t be judged or hated. Seems legit.

I’m sorry; and this time I really mean it. I’m my life; I’ve done some really stupid things. The stuff though, that I said to you, when I read back on it, makes me want to punch myself in the face. I was in love with you at one point; I swear to you, I was. But, something happened and I promise, every second I was speaking of you, I tried to make you sound like a dickhead, like you treated me like shit. Truth is, you didn’t. You did everything that you could to love me, you did everything to make sure I was alright and no matter how hard I wanted to think badly of you, nothing ever actually came up. I loved you, but you know what happened, I know what happened and I regret not being able to see right through it. Truth is, I fucked things up even worse than they had to be. I made things so much worse that I can’t even see straight. These words weren’t meant to slip from my brain and this time, it is me. This time, I’m taking the blame. I am so sorry and I still am proud of you, I still know that you’re going to get so far in life, I still know what you’re capable of and I know you’re going to make it. No matter what, you’re always going to be Mr. Poet, always going to be my Ninja and my maple syrup; you’re always going to be that special and important person to me. You’re not always going to be mine, but the things we shared will always belong to me—no matter what, you’re always going to be my one and only bubby. I’m so sorry, and this isn’t the end, I promise you—I swear to you, this isn’t the end.

Koi Juk Hao.

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-30T21:40:00.000+11:00

22. Can you do the alphabet in sign language?
No, But I can say "I am so, so sorry." Haha, that's it pretty much.
-

He took me out today, to a place where we had lunch and dinner. Picked up a few things from a few places, grabbed more food and now I feel like shit because I'm too bloated and working out sucked ass for my hip. But, I'm still living and breathing past the pain. My feet are killing me, but I am alright.

-AlexLadel.

I was too tired to do this yesterday.

2011-10-30T21:38:00.000+11:00

21. Have you ever wasted your time on anyone?
Time well spent, is not a waste. I don't think that anyone is a waste of time.
-

Halloween party = tiring and painful, but worth it.

Ended up getting there, taking like seven photos, smoking the last of my cigarettes and had a D and M. It lasted about an hour and a half after I started walking up the road like a pro. I was just excited that I could actually see a bit in the dark. But, I'm not allowed to go too far away before someone comes to stop me. Haha. Had a conversation with Kathryn which ended up in her crying, talked with everyone that I could and just had as much fun as I could. I didn't drink that much, which was both good and bad. Erik was a taxi for the night and I met our parents when they came home at like one. Twas a good night.

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-28T16:50:00.001+11:00

20. Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
Yes, actually a few people. It's going to be better, eventually.
-

here today
gone tomorrow

are you really who you say you are, are you really that much of a person that you can stand there and tell me all these things? Do you not know what I'm going to do? It's clear to you, but it was never clear to me. We didn't discuss this and I didn't agree. You say you want peace, that you were all wrong, when you're in a different world and I'm in my own, then I am sorry.

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-27T21:53:00.000+11:00

19. Does anyone have strong feelings for you?
I don't know, no one has really said that to me. I mean, people tell me they love me, but that's a different story. I don't know if anyone feels strongly for me.
-

I feel sick, my hip is playing up. I have shit loads of homework and I don't want to be online, but I have to do research and then MSN logs me in automatically and then yeah, everything just goes downhill from there. Been thinking about the year twelve formal and if I want to go. I don't know at this point, I just hope my mind changes, maybe.

-AlexLadel.

Am I not enough?

2011-10-27T00:11:00.001+11:00

I will do anything to make you smile and to make you happy, anything to hear you laugh and now, now I am nothing to you. You say differently, but I've been put in this situation so many times before and now I can't stay. Are you really doing this to me? Everyone seems okay to be replacing me these days and you know what? I'm okay. It's happened since I was in primary school. Since Kindegarden, but I thought maybe you'd be different. I'm testing my own limits, giving you falseness. I'm trying to be real, trying to me okay and nice to you. But when you rub something, consistently, in my face, it's going to start to burn eventually. I don't want to stay there, but something holds me to it, bounds me to it. I'm trying too hard to force myself away that I'm going to have scars, but, if removing you from my life seems to easy in thought then why is it so hard in reality? You tell me all these stories, question me, all the time and I'm left feeling empty and most of the time, smoking. Am I not enough for you though? Don't you realise what I've done to even be there for you? Am I not enough for you to love and need? Am I really that excusable? Am I just an option to you? Mimi said "No person should be an option." Why, why can't you know that rule that I've come to live by. I was outside today, freezing my ass off, smoking and thinking. And you know what I thought about? You. It was all you, and I didn't cry. I had this face on, I could feel the tears. I got up and walked away from my lighter. I'm not going to be here forever, I'm going to leave soon. I'm going to leave whenever I want and leaving you behind would be so easy, so, If I'm making this effort to hold onto you, can't you make a little more effort to hold onto me? Am I not enough for you? And now, everything is backwards. Things never really made sense and they're just going to get a whole lot worse.

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-26T21:52:00.000+11:00

18. Ever liked someone that you thought you couldn't stand a chance with?
Ohoho. Well, yes and no.
-

Today has been such a weird day. There have been weird happening's and weirder things.
~

They had you on the phone, then it was your wife. She said she was by your side and then she got in your bed, her fragile little body to keep you warm while you suffered the pain. We're all here for you, and I need you to keep me informed. We're worried and we're scared, please.

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-25T21:01:00.001+11:00

17. What is on your wrists right now?
Left : Nothing but faded memories of what I used to do.
Right: Four 'sex' bands, two goal bands for separate goals, my bracelet that reminds me to keep peace and my other bracelet that Yavin gave me.
-

Today was an odd day. It's something I don't want to relive, something I don't want to think about, something I don't need to recover from, something that was just another day. I'm sorry for making you cry though, you just needed to hear it from me. You said that my theme and basis was rich in quality, I just hope I can do this artwork without breaking down. Oh well, I'm going to be positive. I think it'll be called 'Year of Recovery'.

Haha, you're there for her. You're always suggesting her and you're always being okay with her. What the fuck am I meant to be to you? Maybe everything I've been hearing is true, maybe not. Guess we'll have to find out.

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-24T18:33:00.000+11:00

16. Are you friends with any of your ex girlfriends/ boyfriends?
Yeah, except one. But he is a hard out junkie now, and I think I've walked past him once and he looked me up and down and winked at me. So, you know, not going there. But yeah, basically, I make sure that I know how each of them are going, what they're doing, if they're safe and healthy. I'm not completely heartless and if at one point, I needed them, then I guess I should check up on them every now and then :)
-

So, today was really hot. Everyone stole my sunnies, which includes Erik who just took them to the pools. What a slack boy :( So, anyway, it was really hot, but I managed it. I didn't have my jumper on, which was a plus. But, my legs were still covered up, got a long way to go till these corpse-coloured babies are ready to meet people. I've been working out today for 1 and a half hours and I have to do a few more sets, do yoga warm down and then choreograph for a bit. This weather motivates me to keep going and push my limits, but, it's not really good when I end up vomiting. Oh well.

Pain is just weakness leaving the body.

-AlexLadel.

latest dream that was horrible.

2011-10-24T00:47:00.001+11:00

it stung at the back of my head, that dream that I had last night. I was on a hospital bed, dressed in white, with tubes stuck to my arms, I remember every word that I said because it made me feel horrible. it was like and interview, this thing that was me. I was sitting on a bed, and staring over the camera at someone asking me questions.

"Why won't you let them in?"
"Who?"
"Your friends, Alexis."
"They told me, a week ago." I laugh at this point and then push my hair back, still looking away from the camera and at that person. "They said that I was terminal, that I had three weeks to live. I didn't want my friends to see me like this."
"Even though they want to see you? Your brother and mother are waiting outside this room, they've pushed people away from the doors and made sure no one gets in."
"I'm weak, I'm dying." I laughed, sadly. "I'm not going to make it, I have three weeks left. I don't want them to see me like this, my hair is falling out, my skin is worse, I feel horrible, and I don't want them to have to see that."
"But they need to see you."
"I'm going to die alone. It's okay. I don't want anyone to see that."

At this point, I laugh and the camera flicks and turns off, and then it's in my point of view. There is someone at the door and I sit up, weak.

"Miss, there's someone hear to see you?" The nurse is at the door.
"Turn them away, I'm sorry."
"He told me to say something," she looked away from the door and then back. She looked at me with a confused face and said, "He said 'Bubby'."

And that is where I woke up. It was a horrible dream because I had to see myself like that. I had to see myself at that stage and watch as those who I love were pushed away from my death bed. I hated it, I hated myself for being so selfish.

Sigh.

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-23T23:25:00.001+11:00

15. Have you ever felt like you weren't good enough?
LOL Of course I haven't. I think everyone goes through that phase. Every now and then, I feel that was again and it really sucks, because you know what? Sometimes I am enough. Sometimes, and this is most of the time, I may not be good enough. But, some, small, little, tiny times, I am good enough. Maybe. To my family, friends and everyone else, I'm not really good enough, but they seem to think so haha.
-

WENT OUT WITH DENIS TODAY HERE ARE PHOTOS, LOOK AT THEM AND ADMIRE HOW LOVELY WE ARE. JUST WANT TO APOLOGISE FOR ANY BAD PHOTOS OR SEEING MY UGLY NECK. YUCK.

Denis is a tard, and there is my brother's Christmas umbrella :)

just some walking "lavoes!" as the girls like to tease me with. I bought new sunnies, for two dollars :)

excuse my ugly teeth, and face and everything, (edited the photo) but look how veiny my hand is! Then we found dogs, with no visible owner, in Chinatown. I smell dodgy.

six hundred dollar headphones. Omg, I was scared to put them on. They were so good!

Denis doesn't like the sun and my injury from parkouring :L

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-22T17:32:00.001+11:00

it's like, like my throat decides to close up. Like there is just a darkness deep within my heart, like my voice wants to hibernate and the world just begins to slowly, but surely fall. It's like, the one person you need with you seems a million light-years away and it sucks, because you can't be with them. It's like feeling as though when you wake up, there is not one person in the world cares that you did so. It's like not one person gives that you were able to survive another day, like, in the end, no one will be there to tell you that they need you. And actually will need you, that they will be there for every waking moment and basically need you. They will need you like someone shoving your head under water, you will need them like the air. Like someone takes water away from them, you are the water. I want to be the air, the water, the need for someone else. But, it's not like that and it wont ever be. That deep, itching and dark loneliness is sneaking back and trying to plant its seed deep within my chest, within my heart. But it's okay. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay.

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-22T13:38:00.002+11:00

14. Would you rather sleep at a friend's house, or have them over?
Sleep at a friend's house.
-

So believe me when I say this wasn't planned
Just try to understand that I care enough to let you go
I know you left your heart in my hands
But you can have it back now, it's yours
I'm sorry that I can't stay and I'm sorry that I won't
I'm lying to myself and to you if I do
I'm sorry that I can't be the one to keep your heart
Coz when I hold you closer, I feel far apart
I'm sorry I can't be the one to keep you safe
But it'll hurt us both if I stayed

-AlexLadel.

for yesterday.

2011-10-22T13:07:00.001+11:00

13. Three things you did today.

Injured my hip.
Hibernated.
Got woken up at 3am for a drunken call and confessions.

I went into hibernation. You texted me first, and then you called me, promising me all these things. Telling me all these things. I started crying at one point, and then I was smoking. You were saying all these things to me and... well, nevermind.

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-21T00:14:00.000+11:00

12. Is there something you'd like to say to someone right now?
* You, what the fuck happened to you to make you so fucking horrible? I don't get it. you used to be so close to me and then you go and do this behind my back like nothing is wrong with what you've done? Everything is fucking wrong and you've just messed up again. I just can't believe what you've done to me, after all that I had done for you.
-

Today was an alright day, till I woke up after a nightmare and had a shit evening. Complete with traitors and my messages being thrown out of whack and people attacking me from all angles. Yay. No one said goodbye to me on msn tonight, they just logged off. Great people.

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-19T19:16:00.000+11:00

11. Are you seriously happy with where your life is right now?
Haha, I've never been happy. But you know what, things might start to be shaping up. I mean, maybe it's because of my lack of caring to specific things or whatever. Maybe, but you know what, things aren't so bad and I'm just waiting for something to hit me again, but for now, I'm good. Not happy, but content.
-

If you love her, just let me know.
I can't keep holding onto a ghost.
If you need me, let me know.
Other wise, soon, I'm gonna let go.

So yeah, they mentioned heights today and I started crying. Everyone was like looking at me like I sprouted horns or something. I'm petrified of heights, to the point where even the photos scared the shit out of me. I had people come up to me and they were so lovely, trying to make me smile and make sure that I know that they support me. Such lovely people. I was greeted by hugs and many 'I love you's' and it made me feel a lot better. As well as my lovely Mimi Trinh who battled everyone in the crowd to get to me and then ask me what's wrong and then give me her drink to calm the puffiness in my eyes. Love you baby. So anyways, I've had a lot of people volunteer to go up with me and make sure I'm alright, even the guy who was running the whole thing asked if I was okay. I am, I just had some bad experiences. Yes, the fearless Alexis is absolutely petrified of heights, to the point where she was blubbering in front of the whole year. I'm alright though, my friends always make me smile :)

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-18T19:42:00.001+11:00

10. Is there one person you want to be with right now?
Right now? Right at this very moment? I want to be with someone who can massage my every bone that hurts while whispering sweet things to me. I want to be with someone who will comfort me and tell me what I need to hear, who will make me some food and support me. Someone who will look after me till I'm healed and who will stay up with me at night. Right now, I just want someone to be here, so I'm no so lonely.
-

I feel like shit right now. I have pain from the tip of my head, to the end of my toes. I feel like my whole body is going to collapse and that's exactly what I did. I'm completely demolished right now. The thing is, I pretty much did nothing, so, this isn't right. I did practically nothing, for me anyway. And then, I don't know, my body seems to be shutting down or something. Resting didn't help me--nothing will. Meow :(

usually, when you shut down my computer, the webcam like, freezes on the last person to close the laptop. usually, it's a photo of me looking like someone stabbed me. Or topless or something stupid. I opened it today and was like, that doesn't look like me and I was wearing a dark grey shirt last night, all night. Erik was wearing blue and mum and dad didn't go in my room. But, it picked this photo up :S

Confusing, aye?

-AlexLadel.

8 & 9 because they're alike.

2011-10-17T17:29:00.001+11:00

8. Kiss on the first date?
So, say you've known this person for a long time and this was the first time you were on a legit date, then sure. The feelings have been there before. But, if you're complete strangers then maybe not. Personally, if I don't feel that towards them or if there isn't enough time between them then maybe. Haha, personally, if they were a stranger I would keep to hugging. If it was someone I had known or had strong feelings for beforehand, then maybe.

9. Sex on the first date?
^ sort of the same. But, the thing is, this is a little different. Um, the thing is how they feel and whatnot. Personally, the same as above, if only the feelings were stronger.
-

So, my hip is fucking killing me right now and I am in so much pain. I have four hours of yoga to do, but I got warned not to use my legs too much because I'm going to die tomorrow. I hope everyone is healthy and happy. I can't find any liquid foods, so I am hungry. I also got told a story this afternoon, it made me laugh.

Ali: (talking to his mummy about something.)
Ali's mum: (Stops mid sentence and takes a blonde hair off his shoulder.) What is she?
Ali: Russian.
Ali's mum: Alright.

LOLOL

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-16T19:18:00.000+11:00

7. Have you kissed anyone in the past five days?
I kissed mummy on the cheek and then Mimi on the forehead, I think. LOL
-

I had a dream that I was in a haunted house and there was a little girl with blonde hair and green eyes. I was with two guy friends (unnamed) and one said that she was behind me. I screamed and turned around and she was there, then she was on the stairs and she kept going all around the room. I sat down and then got back up (I know, weird.) So, she went on the stairs again and I stood there and then said "I summon thee to get out, get out and damned your wondering soul!" But the thing is, my voice went really deep and reinforced and like, sounded really scary, I felt the voice from like, my diaphragm. So, the guy friend looks at me and takes a step back, scared, he's like "Alexis, what the fuck." I lifted my hand at the girl and all the windows and doors shattered open and the wind flew in. The little girl disappeared and I kept talking ans summoning specific things. I woke up sweating and with a pain deep in my chest and diaphragm.

So, the nightmares are getting more personal, so what does that mean? No sleeping tonight! yaaaaay. Haha.

Staying positive!

Going hospital later tonight (N)

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-15T23:35:00.003+11:00

6. Where do you think your best friend is now?
all of them are probably sleeping, some are on MSN, some are probably out. Some I don't know, but one is throwing up :S
-

I couldn't really find the keys to type this properly!
Today was good, tonight was better.
My lungs have expanded, but I think I gotta give up smoking.
Donna's sister is kind of scary when it comes to her sister's health
omg ew, he's using his spine to bash him.
I have seen to much fake blood tonight.
It's always the Russians that are the bad people, in the movies.
Came home and was asked to show my parents: my belly, my ears, the back of my neck and my back. They thought I got something done. LOL. I made the bra really tight and was like "I don't have my nipple pierced either." haha

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-14T18:48:00.000+11:00

You're making it harder to breathe, you don't understand that I need time. I don't need your lies any more and I hate hearing it now, I don't want to hear that word any more. That makes no sense, you're not who you make out to be. You hate me, you're using me and you don't want to be around me. I can't places because you're gonna be there, lurking and waiting for me, watching my every movement and moment. I can't do it any more, don't you realise that you're suffocating me? That you're the one that is going to eventually kill me? You don't realise what you're becoming, do you? You don't realise that something is wrong with the way you're acting and treating everyone? Don't you realise that maybe, one day, you need to just get your chin up and look at the world for what it is? Don't you know that one day, some day soon, you're going to crack, and you're just digging yourself a deeper grave. I'm tired of who you are as a person, I'm tired of the shit you say to me. I'm tired of the person that now haunts me, the person you've become and the person you haven't realised has taken you over. But, you don't realise it, do you? You don't realise what kind of person you are turning into, what you're doing.

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-14T18:24:00.000+11:00

5. What's something you're not looking forward to?
The massive confrontation.

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twitter helps get through school.
music was hella fun today. I ended up spending it with my best friends; Denis, Deric and Yavin and we all mucked aorund. Denis gave birth and made a noise that I was literally rofling. Deric couldn't breathe because of how much he was laughing. Yavin was on the drums, but then came over to us and then I flipped Yavin over my shoulder :) I don't think they thought that I could do that (H) So I tripped over nearly everything, watched Denis get chocked out.

Today was a good day.

I signed out of year eleven and I don't know if that means I'm year twelve now, or anything but yeah. Spent the recess and the lunch with my girls and my guys, just relaxing and having Mimi's bony ass on my bony thighs :'( then Helen's elf ears and it seems everyone, these days, is a cock blocker and a three year old :L Katie and her odd sight, I spent my last rollcall with her today :') Next week I think I'm in SRC rollcall and yeah, it's a new start.

Today was a good day.

Dad took me to the square and we grabbed about 60 bucks of asian groceries, with the help from the guy who runs the store, who was just mainly talking to me about everything. I just took it all to the counter and let dad pay for it as I went to get more shit. Haha, I'm making Pad Thai tonight! Which means dad is going to make it because I'm not too good at that. Also got free pudding from a cute guy with stretchers and tattoos all up his arms. All I had to do was swish my hair to the other side, let my little stretcher show and we had something to talk about. I'm a master :L

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-13T22:24:00.000+11:00

4. What are you listening to?
1. in the time it take me to write this:
- J. Holiday - Bed
- Drake - Trust issues
- Red Duce - Making you moan.
2. My parents fighting in the other room.
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So, today was pretty uneventful. I have to go the people who gave me my glasses tomorrow and then I have to go to the hospital on the weekend to do a check-up for my body. Apparently, I have too many injuries. But my hip is making me cry a lot, that is the only injury that actually kills at the moment and they can fix my neck up. I'm finding it really hard to walk now and it's irritating me and I want to cry :( Um, I fell asleep in class...got back some results for my exams. Got my ranks pushed up. Made a twitter.

Couldn't find the right pills for me to take for my new diet, so I'm taking the risk and taking a swing at thinking I can do it by myself. I have my pills that I usually take and I'm just going to go with them. I hope I can stick to this one, but everyone keeps freaking out. I told my mum though and she's supporting me, oddly enough :L

-AlexLadel.

lalala. I rated myself too, Denis gets around Haha.

2011-10-12T22:03:00.000+11:00

3. What was your last thought, before you went to sleep last night?
There's something at the window, its scratching the frame, there's something under my bed. Don't lay facing the wall, the grudge will get you. the door just opened by itself, I'm dead. Hide your ears under the blanket. Don't think of him, don't fucking think of him...and now, you're dreaming about him. Alexis, you stupid slut.
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yeah, I rated myself too :)

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"Fuck the po-po." She says as she looks out the window and sees what we think is a police car, turns out to be an ambulance. "Fuck da rules." She says out the window. A car cunts in front of her, "Wanna go cunt, huh?! Huh?!" And then she proceeds to dance to the radio. God, my mum is lovely.

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-11T22:36:00.001+11:00

2. What on your body is hurting or in pain right now?
I've put my hip out and I'm actually in a lot of pain :( My knees down are covered in little scratches and I have a massive migraine for being a dick-head who doesn't wear her glasses, my feet and knee feels like shit too haha. Oh and my right shoulder blade and back, around there, I put my shoulder out of place and I put my knuckle out of place today too. Not in a lot of pain, just uncomfortable.

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So, our 8km walk turned into "Let's go Pioneer park and kick a ball around." so, we were doing that then BAM, what we thought was a stick turned into a frill neck lizard and then I spent about twenty minutes trying to make it move away, so it didn't get hurt (it was in the middle of the park). Nothing worked. I then hit the ball near it, which made me scream at Tamara, Debbie and Donna to get their asses over here and watch that little thing run. It was so cute, after we took photos and everything, of course. So, then our work out turned into a wonderful hike through pioneer. We all looked like we were attacked by kittens. Omg. These rose bush thorn things, jumping over a river, finding pretty things and an exploded car and bongs everywhere. It was good haha.

-AlexLadel.

2011-10-10T22:05:00.000+11:00

nah, seriously. I'm gonna rip my throat out. this is just getting worse.

it's bleeding too. Come on! Leave me the fuck a lone already.

seriously.

ripping my throat out.

-AlexLadel.